Uncle Jay has a quick congratulations for Michael Phelps, and then: Britney Spears! Paris Hilton! Barack Obama! John McCain! You’ll be thrilled to know that none of these people are in this week’s episode. We go straight to Men’s Synchronized Bombing, which Russia might sweep. Uncle Jay explains it all, and earns a Cement Medal.

Uncle Jay explains why congress needs so many vacation days. He explains big news to little minds.

Uncle Jay explains the news! He helps little minds understand big news stories!

This is classified material, so do not ask how or where we got it.